(St. Paul – WIRE SERVICES) Coaches for the MPR softball team have spent recent weeks trying to convince players on the team that they really, actually did take second place in this year’s end-of-year tournament.
“I have the trophy to prove it, you jackass,” coach Tom Weber was recently reported to be heard saying to a dubious Fred Child, according to sources who spend most of their day standing by the stairs where the conversation is said to have taken place.
The doubts stem from a team of players that ended its regular season 11-12 and entered the tournament unsure of any lasting achievement. Attaining such a high place, after losing games during the regular season by scores of 34-4 and 19-0, seemed impossible to some players.
“I’m not going to lie, I made plans for about three o’clock on tournament day,” noted utility player Brian Bakst. “I had to cancel those plans because we kept winning.” Bakst confirms he was so mad at how well his team was being coached that he considered sabotage, but ended up making a nice catch in the outfield during that one game.
MPR team started the tournament day with an 11-8 victory over Roadkill. Linda Wareham soon left, saying she thought that would be the last win of the year. “We had to play Alary’s after that, for crying out loud!” yelled Wareham during her afternoon ritual of throwing eggs at cars. “We never beat Alary’s!”
But in the second game of the tournament, MPR routed the bar known for its suggestively-dressed personnel, 20-7. Two more wins against Buffalo Wild Wings and Top Floor put MPR in a position to play for the championship. Two losses to Money Shots, a team that benefited from a host of ringers, put MPR into second place.
“We had a ringer, but Money Shots had way more ringers than we did,” noted Jim Bickal. He was speaking of Jess Weaver, who made her MPR debut on tournament day and played first base to everyone’s delight. Bickal was later seen knocking over file cabinets in frustration.
For Coaches Tom and Jill, the season played out exactly according to plans. “By playing sub-.500 softball during the year, no one expected much from MPR,” coach Tom said. “But then BAM! I was really proud of the team and very humbled when they hoisted me up on their shoulders and paraded me around all six fields at the park.”
With the tournament, MPR finished the season with a winning record, 15-14. One of those wins included a 36-29 behemoth over OBB’s on June 22. The game included a grand slam from Gus Liepitz, but those were just four of the nine runs he eventually knocked in that game. Liepitz later missed the tournament, reportedly to play whiffleball in Iowa. A league inquiry is underway.
Team members were also surprised to learn that Tom Rothman, yes that Tom Rothman, had five triples this season, more than any other player on the team. “That’s almost as crazy as New Tom Scheck being a fart,” noted Rothman. Some players noted that it appears Rothman actually runs faster, a year removed from his heart attack.
Other highlights from the season include:
– Coach Tom predicting that Jim McGuinn would hit the team’s first home run of the season during the first game, a prediction that came true.
– Andy Ducett saving two baby ducks from a mountain lion while fielding a flyball in the outfield.
– Oh my God, do you remember how bad that portable toilet smelled during that one game?
– Linda Fantin playing outfield in a puddle on more than one occassion.
– Laurie Johnson once again pitching every single game of the tournament, despite having a line drive rocketed off her stomach during the first game of the day.
– On at least two occasions, a cooler that was brought to a game with beer in it actually left with MORE beer inside.
– Gary Eichten shagging flies during team practice and later teaching Bill Wareham how to throw a curveball while eating ice cream at the soda fountain.
– Two players, Mason Wibstad and Rich Yudhishtu, left MPR because they were sick of being listed last on the softball roster alphabetically.
– Take a look at the stats: Johnny and Tom Rothman had the same exact number of RBIs, which makes them co-leaders! Ha! Battle Royale!
– The return of Jenner! Jenner’s year was capped when she won $450,000 that one night at pull tabs, paid for two pitchers of beer, and told us to all go to hell.
– Molly Bloom and rookies Elizabeth Dunbar and Sarah Ndyajunwoha pulling off an impossible 9-5-1 triple play during three consecutive innings of a game against some other team.
– Chris Bjork burped that one time.
– Zero appearances this season by the Patriot.
– Coach Jill played 20 games this season – 20 GAMES! Now that’s dedication.
– New Tom Scheck made an old-fart play during the Pups/Farts game, but answered with an awesome day at the plate. He also saved three antique clocks from a burning building.
– That fun intervention we had with Linda Wareham that one night, where we finally got her help for her egg-throwing.
– Emily Reese accidentally throwing her beer instead of the ball during a play, only to be followed up by the same exact mistake that inning by Ben Wareham and Chris Benson.
– Tim Dennis accidentally breaking Tim Post’s neck during a play.
– Jeff Johnson getting into zero fights and breaking zero bones the whole season.
– Wait, seriously? Gus went to Iowa to play whiffle ball?
– One-game appearances from Nancy Rothman and Allison Gredesky, along with a four game stint from Kate Weinstock.
– Cliff Bentley calling that guy out for swinging outside the batter’s box.
– Johnny Rothman breaking his femur in four places during a play, but still able to tag out two base runners and hit a home run the next inning.
– The one game where Val Kahler, Suzanne Pekow and Randy Greenly seemed to be having a competition for who could hit the ball the farthest. Something like 9 home runs hit between the three of them? Crazy.
– Gardy the Dog! (Thanks Bina, for brining him along)
– MPR softball debut for Stephen Smith that ended with the presentation of that really good documentary on the history of softball in Minnesota.