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(ST. PAUL) — MPR softball captains Jill Riley and Tom Weber on Friday blamed good play and dedication for the team’s great season, despite efforts by the two leaders to instill no such qualities.
“We finished the season strong and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, which I frankly don’t understand,” noted a befuddled Weber. “I even had that one game where I kept missing the ball in the outfield to try to set an example.
The team finished 2009 with a 14-17 record and showcased impressive displays, including the inning during the tournament when MPR retired Cherry Pit in order – possibly a team first. Other examples include a ridiculous 22-4 win over the Treehuggers and a disgusting game in which Gus Liepitz hit two grand slams.
“Hell, Riley practically amputated her foot to lower expectations,” added Weber, a reference to Captain Jill’s ankle injury that ended her season just a few weeks before it even began. “I simply don’t know what we could have done to inspire them to be more lackluster,” bemoaned Riley. “I smoked during games. I brought beer. I called the Tuesday group ‘Team Fun’ – but no matter what I did, they kept winning with somewhat regularity.”
Efforts to produce a bad season appeared hopeful early on, given the captains’ decision to schedule only a smattering of pre-season practices and Riley’s aforementioned injury, which she suffered while wrestling a bear during a RollerGirl competition at Como Zoo. Riley and Weber also recruited a number of rookies to play, thinking their inexperience would aid losing.
But most of the rookies ended up being completely competent and even skilled in some cases. “I tried to suck, I really did” admitted rookie Andy Ducett. “But closing my eyes before every pitch actually seemed to help my hitting. I’m as confused as you, man.”
Even after a few initial wins – powered by unsolicited hitting from Liepitz, Mason Wibstad and Jim Bickal – Captain Tom was still encouraged by a rash of injuries that promised to keep things sub-par.
Srini Radakrishna broke a finger while fielding a ground ball and rookie Jim McGuinn hurt himself in just about every game he played. “It was weird,” noted McGuinn, while trying to jam a fork into his cheek. “I would get hurt, but then we’d keep winning. I’ve never played on a team like that before.”
Once the winning attained what Weber called a “ridiculous” pace, he authorized “Operation Windfall.” Through an elaborate scheme, years in the making, Weber had team fart Tom Rothman suffer a heart attack during a May 28th game. “I really thought that was going to be the thing to make the team really bad,” recalled Rothman, “along with the constant Bronx cheers at my own son.”
While Rothman’s ailment proved successful in capping an MPR loss that night, his return a few days later as a spectator fueled a curious victory that actually snapped a short losing streak. “I was completely dumbfounded,” admitted Captain Jill. “I thought Tom’s heart attack plan was perfect, but then we kept winning. I was kind of out of ideas at that point.”
Rothman later defied Operation Windfall by recovering enough to play during the end-of-year tournament, which caused an area bartender to overserve Ben Wareham, prompting Wareham to break team curfew.
There were still a few bright spots later in the season: Captain Jill had Old Tom Scheck return for a game, but that proved to be only a short-term help in one loss. Mason Wibstad acted completely inappropriately and smug during one game by fielding a ball – and was almost successful in starting a fight with an opposing team’s player. And Johnny Rothman struck out magnificently during a game, but that only seemed to inspire the team to not be like Johnny.
“Even Johnny didn’t want to be like himself,” noted Linda Wareham. “I think he started actually hitting better after that.”
Wareham added that she couldn’t be blamed for team’s good play, noting her efforts as a third base coach and in trying to get the Scheck dog drunk. “You can’t pin our winning on me, so don’t even go there,” she noted. Wareham was later seen throwing eggs at Gary Eichten’s car.
In the end, the team won three of five games during the tournament, a disappointingly formidable showing for Weber. “I won the coin toss during every tournament game because I thought being home team all the time would throw people off,” he said. “I appreciate Mason striking out during that one tournament game, but then he follows it up with good hitting. And Gus kept hitting homeruns. They were both such jackasses that day.”
Weber and Riley were in their first year as team captains; Jim Bickal left in disgrace last year, following back-to-back league championships. The two newbies say they’d welcome any advice on how to tone down the winning next year and plan to meet frequently during the off-season.
“I’m about ready to tie one of Fred Child’s arms around his back and make Suds play first base without a glove, but I hope it doesn’t come to that,” said Weber. “I appreciate Brian Bakst drinking beer during the Pups vs. Farts game, for example, but maybe next year he’ll try that during games that actually count.”